Medieval Times?

May was a month of fiestas with the first two weekends of the month being given over to two of the towns, Santa Eulalia and Ibiza, where the respective Councils put on a show. I have posted some of the scenes from the Santa Eulalia event in the photos link. There were dozens of classic cars and motor cycles as well as a horse show, the inevitable "majorettes" and several local displays by folk groups.

Here is a slide show of the cars once it starts select "view full size" CAR SHOW

We had been to the first event in the town near here and decided to make a day of it the following weekend in Ibiza itself and what a day it was! They had taken over the whole of the old part of the town, Dalt Vila, which is very similar to Medina in Malta (for those that may have been there.) There were stalls selling all sorts of things ranging from local crafts and food, leather items, sweets and cakes in huge amounts. There were also bars and more stalls selling street food prepared in front of you and all fit to make your mouth water.

One aspect was the number of musicians who were roaming the streets playing a variety of medieval instruments including a rather fetching set of leather bagpipes! Not only did they look the part in their authentic looking costumes but in some cases, when we found ourselves a tad too close, they smelled authentically medieval too. I dare say BO was rather fashionable back then and any prospect of a antiperspirant deodorant several hundred years off! Of course all this was accompanied by the usual array of folk dancers and street performers, one group of which caught my eye as they were a troop of 15th Century harlots... suitably dressed and missing a few teeth, I am sure to make them more attractive to the discerning male of the era. It was my misfortune to find myself caught up in this little troop of ladies who capered about me until one of their more colourful "ladies" sporting a vivid red wig and equally very red lips grasped me by the head. Before I could slip away into the crowd, this rather tall and bearded "lady" planted a very wet and very red kiss on my forehead. Rescued by Mrs H I was hustled away and the big red lipstick lips removed from my forehead - Oh I do wish I had my camera with me.

Perhaps this should serve as a warning for any of my readers who may ever visit Spain during the May Fiesta!

CHANGING WHEELS

I had another one of those "first for many years" experiences the other day, when I had a puncture and had to put the spare on. Easy I thought, no problem with that 'cos I have done it loads of times (20 years ago!) - I move the car to a level spot and embarrassingly have to get the manual to work out where the jack points were on the car. Well I have never had a Peugeot before! Find the jack and struggle to get the filthy dirty spare from under the car before I decide I need a pair of gloves to protect my by now dishwasher safe hands that are fast at risk of getting soiled by the tyre!

Once I have the jack positioned and the tyre ready for fitting, I start to wind the jack up having put a chock in front of the car and made sure I am not under it. Excellent I think as the car slowly rises to the point where I now need to loosen the wheel nuts, which are surprisingly easy to loosen. As the car rises I suddenly become aware that the car does not seem to have risen enough for me to rotate the wheel and remove it. I notice also that the jack seems to have sunk an inch into the ground and the car was leaning at a dangerous angle that was by now jamming the jack into the underside of the car. Quickly loosening the jack and lowering the car, I now need to obtain a solid surface on which to place the jack to stop it sinking (why didn't I move the car into the very large garage to do this I thought.... but it's too late for that now as the weight of the car seems to be entirely on the loose wheel and rather inadequate jack! Dragging a large flat slab of near granite to the underside of the car and placing the jack on it I start the process over again only to see the jack start to buckle under the weight of the car. It was at this stage that I decided to stop and take stock but even as I considered the next steps the jack squealed, the threaded rod running the centre of the jack is now curved and the nylon grommets have exploded into a dozen pieces.

What next then ... easy. I put the whole thing back together and drove down to the village of San Carlos and went into the garage and for the princely sum of €8 they changed the tyre and repaired the offending puncture all in about 10 minutes. So next I have to go to Ibiza town to the Peugeot main agent and order a new jack. Well let me tell you that I am not looking forward to that as I have now discovered that the word for a "jack" is "gato" which for some strange reason is also the word for Cat!!

Mrs H had a vision of me going into the spares department and leaving with a fluffy white kitten (which presumably I can keep in the boot of the car) - Can you train cats to jack up cars?

WEATHER

In short, it's been terrible for the best part of May. We have had a few really nice days that we took advantage of and sunbathed but were eventually beaten by the dreadful wind and rain that has been such a dampener for the holiday makers who have now started coming here in some numbers.

I am assured by most people here that this is not usual weather for May and it is sure to be better and back to normal in June.

VISITORS

The Royal Navy was here this week, HMS Albion docked on its way south to Africa with a group of 300 volunteers who are going to teach/train local people in Nigeria and Sierra Leone . The ship attracted a lot of attention and all the local dignitaries visited. My attempt to stowaway was foiled by Mrs H who had been out looking for the press gang in an effort to have me hauled off to sea for a few years.

DRIVERS

I have long been ranting to Mrs H about the recklessness of the local red blooded latin drivers here in Ibiza. They are foolhardy beyond your wildest imagination, overtaking at the most dangerous point on the road they can find, overtaking only to gain a single car space in front of you or to simply slip into a car parking space nearly causing you to crash headlong into them. I am still not convinced that the rear view mirror supplied in all cars in Ibiza has any purpose what so ever, perhaps other than for personal grooming.

With all this in mind, I was going to write about my experiences on the roundabouts here but when reading the local Ibiza Sun newspaper I picked up this extract from "my friend" contributor, Juan who you will recall I wrote in response to some time ago.

Here is his contribution:

I was driving into Eivissa and came to a roundabout and thought I must warn our visitors to Ibiza about the strange and dangerous technique Spanish drivers have been taught on how to negotiate their way round a roundabout.

Right I will try and make this understandable. The roundabout is like a watch dial. On this roundabout there are exits at 6 o'clock, 3 o'clock, 12 o'clock and 9 o'clock.

You are approaching the roundabout from the 6 o'clock position and are planning to exit at the 12 o'clock position so you drive up to the left/ outside lane.

The danger is that you assume that the person on the inside lane is going to exit at 3 o'clock or 12 o'clock - not necessarily so, if they are Spanish.

The Highway Code in Spain says that if you are going to exit at 9 o'clock or even back at 6 o'clock you should be on the right/inside lane!!!! I do not know when they are ever meant to use the left/outside lane! So beware at any roundabout the inside car could well be going to carry on round the roundabout.
I have been caught with this several times so having your wits about you is essential or you will find yourself taking a hit on your no claims discount!

Foul Odours

One of our little bugbears here has been a deeply unpleasant smell emanating from the shower room and oozing its way into the rest of the house from time to time. We initially and correctly identified the source of the smell to be the septic tank (clearly we are not on mains drainage here) which is situated a short distance from the house and which has an outlet into a soak away at some vague position a long distance from the house - we know not where! Also, the smell seemed to get considerably worse when there was a northerly wind blowing which added even greater mystery to the problem and how to solve it. We have spent euro upon euro on bleaches, drain cleaners, toilet deodorisers, and constant extra flushing of the nearest inspection traps to the house, one of which I had fitted a deodoriser into on a short length of wire to add a more positive smell! Well, none of this seemed to work and with visitors due in June and as we dare not leave a window open all day now given the risk of being robbed again, in desperation, we resorted to the Internet.

Most answers to the problem, I am loath to use the expression "solutions to the probe" were UK based and also applied to modern septic tank technology and as I was not sure of the design of our little tank I had little hope of finding an answer. Then by pure chance I found a garden centre in the Midlands who were advertising a product that you put down the loo once a week and it re-activates the bacteria that breaks down the ...... lets not go into too much detail here.

So I promptly ordered some the magic potion by phone (yes!! the phone had some use at last) and then prayed it was here before our visitors. Then just as I was about to move off the subject of smells I spotted an Ex-Pat forum talking about smelly septic tanks and how a couple of tubs of yoghurt put down will restart the reaction in the tank but under no circumstances put down bleach or caustic soda because that will only make matters worse. The I spotted the real clincher... it said.. "if all else fails check the base of your WC to make sure there is a seal between it and the floor" as, it went on, "most Spanish toilets don't have an S bend, the toilet goes straight down through the floor into the foul water pipe"

We went and checked the loo and sure enough there was no silicon seal between it and the floor! So grabbing a tube of silicon sealant I promptly filled the small gap around the base of the toilet bowl and believe it or not... NO SMELL!!! - All that remains now is to see what happens over the next few days.

This month we see three family members who are staying with us for a week so we have been busy getting ready with additional sun beds, a parasol and a brand spanking new BBQ.... we have an itinerary that we hope we can follow... but the best laid plans and all that.

BREAKING NEWS - MAY Part 2

THE INTERNET & TELEPHONE

The teeth grinding tolerance of waiting for a telephone and the Internet to be installed that I spoke of in my May Blog, is over!!

I am pleased to report that both were installed Monday despite the language barriers between Juan (Telefonica’s Peruvian telephone engineer) and me. The phone cable was connected; the Internet connected to the ADSL modem and hey presto it all worked first time.

I happily launched the May Blog and told everyone the new number and sat back relaxed and happy at last to be able to communicate once more without trekking to the town twice a week to get onto the Internet. Nor do we have to go to the dreaded locutoria to make phone calls surrounded by a multi-cultural amalgam of Latin Americans, Rumanians and several other ethnic groups all getting calls at knockdown prices while we Brits have to pay a premium price to ring the UK. It would seem that we have to pay something like 50 cents a minute to a UK number while the rest of the multitude are paying around 15 cents. I have since found small (but not very pleasant) locutoria that only charges 15 cents but that’s all in the past now.

So there I was, nice and relaxed and calm, blissful and free to phone when I want to who I want and then it all changed and the world turned upside down when our first call came. The phone rang almost as the engineer left the house and so I thought, “oh it must be Telifonica making a customer care call” (Well you never know do you!) alas it was someone speaking in Spanish and asking about somewhere called the El Hacienda (a hotel or restaurant) so I said in my very poor Spanish – “wrong number”, and that was just the beginning.

That was on Monday morning and now it’s Thursday over 40 wrong numbers later for the Hacienda, one irate telephone call to Telifonica and an ever growing, or should I say, developing, Spanish script for answering the phone each morning and early evening. It started like this;

· Tiene un numero incorrecto – Lo siento.

Then progressed to;

· Tiene un numero incorrecto – Lo siento. Esto es una casa privada.

We then refined this as it was not having a great deal of effect, to;

· Tiene un numero incorrecto – Lo siento. Este no es el Hacienda. Esto es una casa privada.

A stage further the answer became;

· Por favour! – esto es una numerao privada!. Esta no es el numero para la Hacienda – Adios!!

None of this actually seemed to work as the callers continued to engage us in debates about the number, the fact that it had to be the right number or simply talked at us rapidly without a pause for breath.

Reluctantly (if you can believe that) I took more direct action in an effort to make this ordeal more relaxing, more fun and generally more entertaining for us while we waited for Telefonica to sort out the muddle.

So my new script now goes like this;

· “Hello, Secret Intelligence Service, Room 9 – Can I help you”?

or

· “Secret Intelligence Service, recruitment section – if you wish to apply for a post please press 1 after the tone – Beeeep”

Or

· “This is the Vatican, may I help you”?

I have to report that apart from the entertainment value for us this had little effect on the number of calls. However, I was considering more inventive and mysterious scripts and was going to ask you to submit ideas or what else I could say. Happily though and by pure chance I decided to phone my mobile so that I could add the new home number to it and guess what? The number had been changed and I can only assume that during one of my verbal escapades Telefonica had called only to be greeted by a lunatic claiming to be a secret agent or the Pope!

I have now sent the new number to everyone on my list of friends and family and pray that at 9:15am tomorrow I don’t start another round of wrong numbers.

May - A Bad Day for Bad News - It can only get better!

I had to end my last Blog with the “bad news” about the poor state of the pound, in terms of its exchange rate etc. and the general state of Interest Rates in the UK that are also causing us problems. Regrettably, I have to start this latest Blog again with bad news, in fact very bad news.

Yesterday (6^th May) we set off on our mission to Ibiza town to collect mail and check the internet for bank balances and emails, and after a leisurely coffee and later a beer in the sun, arrived back home to discover we had been burgled.

To make matters worse, it would appear to have been entirely my fault, as I had for some inexplicable reason failed to lock the side door to the house. There are three points of entry here; one double door from the main terrace that lets into the dining room and kitchen; a second side door leading from the rear terrace into the hallway and, of course, the front door that leads straight into the sitting room.

It would seem that a thief saw this opportunity and came straight into the house, turned left and immediately found the main bedroom and helped himself to V's jewellry box containing almost all her treasured items, rings, chains, earrings, brooches, cameos and her vintage Omega wrist watch that was awaiting repair. I had left my “compliments of SEB” - Cartier watch on the dressing table, which has also gone, plus a small box of my entire collection (40 years’ worth) of cuff links. I don't care much about the watch. It may have been worth around £1000 once but it only ever cost me £250 thanks to a refund from SEB some years ago. But it’s V's stuff that is so sad. All her items had some sort of special attachment, some link to the past 40 years or more and can't be replaced and she is still coming to terms with the loss and is now very unsettled here.

We spent sometime with the Guardia Civil who were very polite but could only take a statement and put it down to experience. No doubt the opportunist thief or “B******DO”, as Mrs H calls him, was one of the new “visitors” to the Island, now arrived at the start of the season at the same time as the rising crime levels. We have been trying to work out how he did it. Was he there when we came home and was it him we heard when the side door that I had left unlocked banged closed? The thief was so tidy only leaving a few very small tell-tale signs he had been sorting through stuff and if it hadn't been for V looking for a necklace to try on with a new dress we may not have noticed for over a week or more!!

Anyway, it made us feel pretty bad about things and we are now a tad paranoid about going out and checking doors and things. The neighbours have been good and sympathetic and will be vigilant. Now, on with a more cheerful Blog.

I originally started off this month’s Blog with such a load of ranting drivel about knuckle-headed police in the UK and a British Government with a part time Secretary for Defence whilst the UK is in the midst of a war in Afghanistan and Iraq, and then I took a breath. I realised that just as I thought it couldn't get any worse in the UK politically, it did here in Spain. So, without further ado I decided to restrict my “rant” to this opening paragraph and get back to normal, if that is, I am ever “normal” again after being robbed in the middle of the day.

THE WEATHER

The weather has at last taken a real turn for the best now and clearly summer is on the way with warm mornings and nice hot afternoons, ideal for sunbathing. All this so far removed from the October deluges, the November dullness, the December sunny weather somehow followed by freezing January and February. Sitting outside Montesol's watching the Ibiza throngs with a coffee and the paper is a pleasure and now that we are fairly well known there we almost have a conversation in Spanglish with the waiters.

THINGS HAIR WISE

Mrs H has found a hairdresser who doesn't give her a nervous breakdown at each visit and I have found a barber in Mrs H, so I don't have to suffer the indignity of asking for a trim and paying 10 euros for the privilege. The ladies hairdresser in question lives in a small house in the old town of Ibiza, Dalt Vila and is situated on a steep cobbled, almost medieval street that climbs towards the top of the town. During these visits I escape to the town below and pick up a paper, a cool beer and cigar and sit and watch the world go by. However, at the new exchange rate this is not such a low cost event. The Tourist rate is now £1 = €1.20 and commercial exchange rates £1 = €1.25 the last time I transferred some money. Now a coffee costs about £1.10 (that's a small cup not a huge Costa’s thing!) and a small beer now costs about £1.30 so it's all a far cry from only last year when a coffee cost 74p and a beer £1.00. On top of that, Ibiza is now the most expensive of the Islands and even more expensive than Marbella although property price falls are now forecast here, as there has been a lot of greed among the local people. This is one of the only places I have ever come across where the price of a house for sale goes up the longer it is on the market and not selling. Work that one out.

THE INTERNET (or lack of it)

I am still waiting with teeth grinding tolerance for a telephone and internet to be installed but despite many calls and emails, we have only seen a acknowledgement and little else. Once I have the internet communication it will be so much easier with Skype and MSN Messenger etc. I can also provide you all with a link to Photobucket so that you can see some of the latest photographs I have taken.

STOP PRESS: **** As I type this Blog I am pleased to announce that WE ARE ON THE INTERNET!!!!! ********

We also have a phone number which I will email to those who may be interested. Bad news is we seem to be sharing the number with the Hotel Hacienda!!!! We have already taken several bookings..... more on this as we go mad.

THINGS FELINE

We were out in the garden the other day doing some extensive weeding, that probably needed a tractor with plough if we were to do it properly, when a small white and very loud cat came poking around our legs demanding to be played with. Mrs H who does not have a fondness for flea and tick ridden cats kept a discrete distance while I (wearing gloves) treated the moggy to a good old petting. The upshot of this was that the flaming thing would not go away and sat mewing at the doors of the house all night, despite the fact that it lives with three other cats a short distance away at a neighbour’s house. The next day I noticed that the cat seemed to have gone away but I had predicted to Mrs H that it may well have reappeared the previous day bearing a gift in the form of a dead animal. As it happened it didn't do that exactly then but it did the following day by presenting us with a dead vole with a garnish of green leaves. We have continued to ignore the pleas of the cat and it now arrives has a quick nudge round our legs and a small stoke from me and off it goes. Its brother is a very similar cat but totally deaf, which can be amusing if you creep up on it! He has been known to climb into the back of our car so I have to watch out.

HEALTH

Our salt consumption has risen considerably since we have been here so we are going to have to cut back dramatically before we do ourselves any lasting damage. We fortunately have not adopted the Spanish taste and style of cooking in vast quantities of oil and cooking vegetables to a sad sogginess. We have maintained our high British standards in this respect. However, we were somewhat taken aback by our friends, the landlords, the other week when we were browsing cookery books one Sunday afternoon. The lady was looking through the books and announced that English food was not very good and that when they went to London they only ate in a Spanish restaurant. We were surprised to say the least given the efforts that people go to in the UK to provide good food in most places now, except say the Burger bars and plastic tourist traps. We have a plan now to give our Spanish friends a proper British meal - I only hope they enjoy it!

MY BOOK

My book has reached a critical phase you may be interested to know. It comprises some 35,000 words and has taken me almost 3 years to get to this point. It has had one read through for typos, spelling and context, which I have now dealt with and added and changed some sections of it. It's now ready for its next reading and set of amendments and then I am going to decide how to publish it.

Let's hope that my next Blog can be brighter and that V will have healed a bit and also her confidence in being in the house will have improved, so that we can enjoy a more relaxed summer.